


Run

by apollaskywalker



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5008312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apollaskywalker/pseuds/apollaskywalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kanan's encounter in the Seelos system brings back his master's last command. Spoilers for 2x01 The Lost Commanders! This is a look at Kanan's feelings during the episode.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Run

The suspicion grows in your stomach as you hear the four digit number. It’s a gundark pit inside you, howling, teeth and claws beginning to tear into you. Ahsoka told you to trust him…she knew you would have trouble with this and here’s a four digit number that echoes of a past you’d only recently tasted again. And the taste made you vomit.

 

_Run_ , she whispers and you hear her as if through a haze. Is it really her voice you hear or your own? Does your gundark-haunted soul wish that you’d told Hera the truth, the truth that you could not and cannot face this day in and day out right now? That you need time to recover? Because you are not recovered, you tie yourself together and the rope frays hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute, until you can haul yourself back to your quarters and recede into the Force, until you can take your existence and obliterate it. You spread your atoms across the universe until nothing hurts and nothing matters. You dissolve until Kanan Jarrus and Caleb Dume are infinitesimal flecks of space dust in infinity.

 

You ignore the hazy warning and soon you stand staring at the very reason Ahsoka warned you to trust him.

 

It is not Styles. It is not Grey. But they are them.

 

_Run_ , she whispers and the pit in your stomach howls and its occupants climb up your chest, your throat.

 

Would you hear her voice, you wonder, if the Inquisitor hadn’t brought her back so recently?

 

But of course you would. She was your master and that had been her last lesson.

 

_Run_.

 

But you let Ahsoka have her way because you need this. If you get a base, you can rest, you can heal in peace.

 

You talk to Hera, but she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t understand that you have stood on this precipice before and where you once willingly flung yourself into the unknown, you aren’t ready for that journey again. You thought you had dug yourself out when Hera let you onboard the _Ghost_. Now she wanted you to take the plunge again, but this time with company.

 

_Run_.

 

You want to tell Ezra to run. It was what your master had done after all. And she had not let you down. When you followed her advice, her teachings, you were all you should be. Everything had been right, even though it was war, with your master everything had been right. It was only without her and without the safety to be all you should be that your life crashed.

 

Ahsoka’s command that you trust Rex holds your tongue.

 

And Ezra trusts the three clones just as you trusted all clones during the war.

 

It hurts. You remember yourself at his age with these clones. There was cameraderie and brotherhood. Then it was cruelly crushed.

 

You think of your master, you will not suffer her fate. You will keep your guard and you will live. For Ezra, for Hera, for Sabine, for Zeb, for Chopper, and for the whole blasted Rebellion, _you will live_.

 

_Run_.

 

Wolffe betrayed you all. The clones have turned on you again. They will always betray you, you think. They were bred to destroy the Jedi.

 

Depa Billaba was right. You should have listened to her and not Ahsoka.

 

_Run_.

 

There’s still a chance. You could flee. Leave the clones and the past, do as your master commanded and _run_.

 

But you’re sick of running.


End file.
